Ministry Leader, Take Care of Your Wife

by Larry Barker

The importance of soul care cannot be overstated or stressed enough. If you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to minister to others. You cannot give what you do not possess, and who you are is far more important than what you do. You have to know yourself to lead yourself. You are responsible for what only you can take care of, and only you can nurture your walk with God. No one else can abide in Christ for you. It requires you pursuing Him, spending time with Him, and building a relationship with Him. Soul care includes family care, team care, and member care.

In episodes 27 and 28 of www.healthychurchpodcast.com Pastor Drew Cline and I interviewed Dr. Steve Crawley of Ministers Resource Services on his MD5 discipleship that focuses on five primary areas of a man’s life: faith, family, friends, fitness, and finances. Dr. Crawley emphasized that only you can take care of yourself and only you can be the dad and spiritual leader of your home that God has called you to be. Time will not slow down for you so you must be careful not to sacrifice your family on the altar of church ministry. In the busy, hectic demands of work and the culture in which we live, it is imperative to take proactive steps to be in control of your calendar and commitments.

After your soul care you must focus on taking care of your family. Are you working on developing your relationship with your wife? Are you setting aside time for her where she has your complete and undivided attention? 

Years ago I realized I should schedule dates and events with my wife then place them in my calendar. If someone asked for a meeting or other activity on that date and I had something already scheduled with her, no one ever questioned my decline or re-schedule of another time.   That sends a wonderful message to your soulmate that nothing on your schedule is more important than she is.

Pray together. I suggest praying out loud for one another and for others. There is nothing like hearing my wife pour out her heart to God on behalf of me, our family, and the ministry God has given us. Find things you enjoy doing and schedule time to enjoy them together. Listen to her and give her time to tell you the story she has waited to tell you all day. 

Discuss Scripture together. My wife and I love to SOAP (Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer) separately in the mornings then discuss together what we believe the Lord is saying to us. It is wonderful growing in the Lord together.

Romance your wife. Take her on dates, surprise her with a weekend get-away, and buy her flowers even when there is not a special occasion. Also, remember important dates by memorizing them and placing them in your calendar with a reminder. If you can name all the starting quarterbacks in the NFL then you can remember your wedding date, her birthday, and other important landmarks in your relationship. I proposed to my wife on March 10, we got married on June 9, and her birthday is August 14. I did not have to look up any of those, so you can do this. (I can even give you the date of our first official date!)

I always challenge leaders to have five important people in their lives: pastor, coach, mentor, friend, and supervisor. You can add to the list, but I always assume that the most important is your wife. 

My wife recently taught a ladies group in Portugal and shared this: “Your husband needs your encouragement and support. He needs to know you’re behind and beside him because sometimes he may feel like you’re the only one.” I am so thankful that statement is true in our relationship. You are called to love your wife the way Christ loves His church and is willing to die for her.  

In 1 Peter 3:7 we are told to live with our wives and honor them. One commentary says we are to be present (all there) instead of just sharing the same house and the same bed. 

Are you present with her when you are home?  

Are you showing her daily that she is first in your life before ministry or anything else?  

Are you including her in the ministry and discussing with her what God has placed on your heart?  

Are you getting her perspective on what she sees and listening to her burdens and concerns when she shares them? Remember that she sees things you miss and God has placed her there by your side as a helpmeet. 

When our children were very young, one of them said, “Dad, how come you always side with Mom against us?” My rely was short and simple, “Because I like her more than you!” They knew I was teasing a bit, but they also knew I would honor and support her the same way she has always stood beside me. 

Make sure you tell her how much you love her, help her with the chores, hold her hand, and support the dreams God has placed on her heart. When Shelby was 47, she told me she wanted to go back to school and get her RN license, which I fully supported. She graduated and knew that I had her back the same way she always has mine. 

I am certainly not perfect and have made many mistakes, but if you remember that your wife comes before your ministry, she will be a tremendous blessing to it.