The Importance of Family Care

by Larry Barker

Healthy Church Solutions

We have been discussing soul care and are now focusing on family care, team care, member care, and health care. In the area of family care, you must first take care of your marriage. No one can be the husband to your wife that God has called you to be. 

First and foremost, make sure you are still dating your wife. I saw how one church, Calvary Baptist in Horn Lake, MS, where couples met with their pastor for a “Date Night with a Purpose.” First there was a devotional, then couples were dismissed and given a hand out sheet to discuss on their date. What a great idea!

Include everyone in the activities so they feel part of the team. Now we want to focus on family care to help everyone enjoy the ministry together. When we lived in Romania and made in-country visits, and I always took one of our three children with me. They looked forward to their time with me and my other two enjoyed the time with their mother. This gave me the opportunity for quality time with them and to find out how they were doing, like what were they enjoying the most? (Always start with the positive first!) Then what were they struggling with the most? Doing so gave us the perfect chance to talk heart to heart about what they were thankful for and what they wished was different. Take advantage of every chance to listen to your children. 

Take field trips, and look for ways to have quality family time. When you’re close to interesting sights and destinations, make sure you enjoy them together. When we lived in Romania, we took a tour of Dracula’s Castle in Braun, but what in the States when we were close, we made sure to visit Mount Rushmore, the Grand Canyon, and any beach that was available. Take family breaks.

Do not miss the big events in their lives. Attend the concerts, school plays, and other activities they are involved in. Another church meeting is not more important than your children, and time passes quickly. Let them know that they are your priority. When my daughter sang in the school talent show we were there. When the boys played football, we were in the stands on Friday nights. No, you won’t necessarily make everything and yes, you will probably miss some things, but make sure you prioritize what’s important because your presence means everything to them.

Let your children serve where they want to. Be careful not to overload your family with responsibilities they struggle with. Challenge them to serve, but give them the same consideration every church member has to find a place where they can thrive, enjoy, and utilize their spiritual gifts. All believers should be challenged to be willing to do all that is needed but not have to do everything. I must admit that I have been guilty of giving my family jobs they did not want to do because no one else was willing. Be careful and understanding in this area.  

Hold your family to a high biblical standard, but don’t allow others to place unrealistic expectations on them. Your children must behave and be corrected when necessary, but don’t use guilt to motivate them by reminding them that they’re PKs (pastors kids). Believe me, they know and they already feel the weight of living in a glass house. There is definitely a fine line, sometimes, between privilege and being taken advantage of because of your family. Involve them, allow them to find their sweet spot, realize they are distinctively different, and give the space to decide where they will serve.  

Be careful what you say and discuss in front of them. If all they ever hear is the bad side of ministry, they might think all ministry is negative and begin to pull away. Make sure they are not too close to conversations taking place during the difficult times. One time, I mentioned “a wolf in sheep’s clothing” at the dinner table. My wife immediately looked my way, reminding me the children were present. I changed the subject, but a couple weeks later my youngest asked a group of men standing in the parking lot with me, “Which one of you is the wolf in sheep’s clothing?” Be careful.

Pray with your children. Pray for them but make sure you pray with them. They need to hear you praying over them, asking God to care for them, for Jesus to become their Lord and Savior, and for the the Holy Spirit to guide and direct them. as they begin to develop a hunger and thirst for the things of God, listen to them. Don’t overlook the importance of a family altar, an excellent opportunity to disciple your first responsibility, your family. It’s easy to overlook this, but it should be scheduled, intentional, and protected from being forgotten.

Your family is your first mission field. Begin from day one and continue through the years to train and teach them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.